Impermanence

I am not going to lie to you. When this all went down and quarantine was becoming a real thing, I wasn’t totally mad about it. A few weeks at home? Forced to stay inside and in solitude for the most part? Great. I can do tons of Yoga. I can read. I can work on my website. I can watch television. I can learn Spanish! I also happened to be wrapping up a vacation from the Grand Canyon, so this was ~hella~ convenient. Why not enjoy a little more time to recuperate? To say that I wasn’t a little excited would be a complete sham.

I figured that I am a motivated person…a doer…someone who likes to stay active. Quarantine would not change that! I figured quarantine would pose a challenge to stay active, but as I preach in my classes, we have to flow with the waves of life and WE can overcome any challenges thrown our way. We are human and WE are adaptable! So, challenge accepted. All of this combined with my longing to have extended me-time, honestly I thought this was great (minus the global pandemic and society health issues of course). 

1-2 weeks in, I was cooking and baking more, cleaning more, and actually using my Duolingo app. I also kick started the creation of my website and I was consistently connecting with loved ones via Zoom, phone calls, and Facetime. Despite my own mother getting coronavirus (yes, this was scary news but she is okay now TG), everything was going pretty well!

Fast forward a couple of months later. I’ve been finding myself sitting on my couch more often than not. Sometimes I am watching television or doing things for work, but sometimes I am literally just sitting there, waiting for motivation to come my way. I often find myself online shopping, as if prepping and spending my money on new summer clothes will end this quarantine period sooner so I’ll be able to flaunt all my new gear. Instead of taking in where I currently am, and where the world currently is, I am wishing I could be somewhere a plane ride away (yes, specifically a plane ride) with the sun on my skin.

My desire to constantly be cooking has dwindled. The last two batches of cookies I have made have been rather subpar. My Duolingo app has stopped sending me reminders to practice…that’s how much I haven’t been practicing. And the momentum to work on my website slowed a bit…me writing this blog post is a HIGH POINT of the week. Even calls connecting with loved ones has become farther in between. All in all, this is far from great.

Oh, how things have changed. Societal health seems to be getting better but the effects of this virus will surely be long lasting, which I’m sure will lead to changes everywhere and in all fields. This is in no way to be pessimistic. This is just a simple lesson of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever. Not our bodies, not our thoughts, not our external situations and challenges. I’m sure that for many of us, how we felt (physically and mentally) at the beginning of quarantine to wherever we are now, is probably different.

Do I wish my thoughts and feelings always stayed as they were a couple of months ago? Even weeks ago? Even last weekend when I was enjoying life sipping on at-home margaritas? I was definitely in good spirits then! Do I wish I was still in that state of mind? Not drunk state of mind, but good mood state of mind…

No, not particularly. That would be to wish that things don’t change. And from change and transition comes a lesson that needs to be learned, whether it’s considered pleasurable or not.

Have I been able to experience the joys brought by quarantine? Yes. I have absolutely had time for other things aside from work. I have had the opportunity to sleep in, cook more, and watch frivolous television. I have learned to use the internet as a powerful resource and tool to connect with people and deliver classes remotely. And HALLELUJAH, I haven’t had to commute to the city (honestly I still don’t miss this that much). But, have I experienced the sadness, anxiety, and fear brought by quarantine? Yes, I miss teaching in person immensely; I worry about my finances and how this will affect my job[s]; I have experienced the fear of hearing my mother contract a virus that seems to be a bit unpredictable in terms of how it will affect people. And have I been somewhere in between? Sure. There are days where it’s just another day.

We can’t spend our lives trying to reenact situations that once brought us perceived happiness nor can spend our lives recreating situations that bring us sadness. The very nature of life is to change. The way the seasons change, we change, our emotions change. And if we don’t acknowledge that change and where we are each day and each moment, we’ll always be chasing something.

So, where are you at today? Right now? Wherever you are, whether you’re reading this during quarantine or at a later time, don’t run away from it. If you are enjoying your time inward, keep enjoying it. But if you’re struggling, know that it’s okay. You don’t have to wear an armor and act like you are unbothered. Maybe your thoughts and feelings change day to day as they do for me. Everyone experiences changes, and EVERYONE has emotions. What differs is the degree to which we choose to express those emotions.

This for me, is the lesson. As a teacher and Yoga instructor, it is my job to “keep it all together,” and “keep everyone on track/on the same page,” and “create the energy in the room.” Many people enjoy my classes because of my positivity, which is great as I strive to create that type of environment.

However, sometimes I forget that I don’t always have to have a smile on my face. I tend to get upset when I am not my cheery self, and if I don’t feel that positivity running through my veins I often try chasing that feeling by changing what I’m eating, drinking more water, going for a run, having a glass of wine, etc. I blame my mood shift on the weather, my job, or something external instead of looking to the internal. I think that if I just switch one little thing or if one thing were different, I will or would instantly return to a brighter version of myself (not saying this isn’t always the case, as the sun shining really does something for ya girl).

Here’s the thing, I understand riding the waves of change, and truly believe that humans can adapt to any and all situations, myself included. But it’s different to understand than to actually do. Quarantine has given me the opportunity to sit in my emotions instead of running away. It’s given me the opportunity to reflect on those not so shiny moments and to think about them in a way so that I understand myself on a deeper level. Is this uncomfortable at times? Yes. But the sooner you sit in and acknowledge what comes to the surface, the sooner you can allow it to pass. Thank that emotion for what it’s shown you, taught you, or called you to do, and then move on (sound familiar? Thank you, Marie Kondo).

Can we go through life not acknowledging our emotions or signals from within? I mean, we’ve all done this at some point when we reach for habitual practices that bring us happiness in the moment to ignore whatever negative things we are presently feeling or experiencing. But just know that whenever you push away the darker things, they come back around knocking on your door, but maybe a little bit louder so you’ll actually hear and maybe listen.

So, as the wonderful human you are, continue to ride those waves of change. With this extended at-home time, which we will probably never, hopefully never, get again…really notice the crests and troughs, the peaks and valleys, the high points and low-points, and everywhere in between. See the missteps that make you fall and reevaluate your steps; see the points where you fly and acknowledge your growth. Through it all, know that you don’t have to have a smile plastered across your face (or a frown or whatever you consider as “your” facial expression).

Everything in this life is impermanent, which gives solace because even this – what seems like a never-ending situation – will indeed end. And ya know, I don’t know when I’ll be overseas again, but one thing is for sure, I know that when I do, things will be different. In myself and in the world.